This is an old article published on the Camden People’s Theatre website.

Republished here because it belongs here.

Way to the Pretty by Elinor Rowlands

_________

Way to the Pretty is a piece of verbatim theatre that sweeps into song and ends with poetry.

Photograph by Luana Martignon of Tim Woods and Elinor Rowlands

Photograph of Gemma by Luana Martignon

Debi Gregory writes about what it feels like as an autistic female writer in this powerful piece challenging the way neurotypical colleagues misunderstand, shame, gaslight and refuse to acknowledge the autistic female’s lived in truth and voice. It is as if she is deemed too autistic to have something to say; too autistic for the stage; too autistic to be a writer. Magical Women are honoured to be able to platform her first piece with us.

“My feelings don’t always fit the situation. 

If my food is overcooked in a restaurant, I get enraged. 

I want to kill the waiter. But I don’t. 

I politely ask him to take my meal back and bring it to me the way I asked for it. 

I spend my days making myself smaller, More acceptable. And that’s okay, Because at night when I go on stage, I get to experience the world the way I feel it … 

With indescribable rage and unbearable sadness and huge passion. 

At night, on stage, I get to kill the waiter and dance on his grave. 

And if I can’t do that … if all I have left Is a life of making myself smaller … Then I don’t want to live.”

— AARON MAFRICI PLAYED BY PAUL VOGT GREY’S ANATOMY, SEASON 6, EPISODE 12

I live in a society that has brainwashed me into believing that everything about me is a farce.

Everything about me isn’t about me.

Everything about me is about everyone else, the way they want it, the way they feel about it,

the way they need things…

And if I dare to disagree… If I dare to try to be myself…

Their rage, their incandescent, all consuming, demanding rage is acceptable and righteous

and justified.

Photograph by Issara Willenskomer

So, we’ve had two months to establish our operative rhythms within which to navigate our way through these unchartered waters.  That appears to be quite long enough for far too many people that should really know better – the likes of Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Gavin Williamson continue attempting to assure us that it’s perfectly safe for reception and key-stage-1 aged children to return to school, because if any demographic of humans know how to identify and maintain a safe distance from other humans, as well as adopting a stringent approach to keeping their hands to themselves, it’s children aged four to six.  Quite how we haven’t had a five year-old fast-tracking their life hacks in social distancing for publication is surely an oversight by BoJo, MiGo and Ga-Wi (and there were other variations of his name I could have used…).

If demonising the ones forced to cut costs as a knock-on effect of their party’s own economic culture wasn’t enough, the government appear to mastered the art of single-handed clapping – the sound, of which, I can reveal, is their Etonian hoots and hollers as they point at their beloved key-workers, while insisting they are valued, accusing them of cowardice for refusing to put not only their own lives at risk, but those of their key stakeholders.

Which brings us nicely back to our young friends in nurseries and primary schools, whom, it would be appear are as dispensable as their teachers, although, should any be lucky enough to withstand the double-threat of COVID-19 and the cutting of free school meals, they will be expected to return to a learning pace that pits British children in a firm position of power over, let’s say, their Chinese, Russian or Indian counterparts (free-market capitalism has taught us there is no such thing as a community, and we’re all ruthless bastards!)

Of course we should acknowledge the government’s work in bringing us together, willingly or otherwise, in marvelling at how they can sink further in approval ratings, become an ever bigger laughing stock for our neighbours, whom we were already petulantly severing ties with in the name of “sovereignty” (a word conveniently rediscovered in 2016).  And while we can observe the hypocrisy of their insistence on continuing to applaud key workers such as NHS staff, carers, cleaners, teachers and retail employees while woefully missing their self-ascribed targets for provision of PPE and testing kits, expecting returns to unsafe work-places, and deciding that many people in the most integral roles are apparently not skilled enough to justify their presence in this country; it is still essential we remain united in our support for the people putting their own wellbeing on the line to continue for care for others.  Which, despite rags like the Express and the Mail demonising teachers and their unions for not being “heroes”, shouldn’t have to be the bare essential of any role. 

Written by Iain Orkisz for Magical Women

I am heart sick with anger and bitterness.

I see children kicking people while they’re down, their anger the only emotion they understand and can therefore control. 

I see parents so apathetic and numb to poverty and forced depression that schools are left to raise children devoid of hope and understanding. 

I see teenagers, children, delight in causing pain because pain is the only friend they have. 

I see grandparents, great grandparents, look on in despair as their hopes, dreams and hard work goes up in smoke.

 I see people who should be proud, people who are the spine in this skeletal, dystopian sweat shop.

I see people who don’t know their worth and louder people undervaluing them until they believe their worth is only worth the price of another’s dignity.

I see destruction.

Photograph taken by Clem. O.

Today I was fortunate to be granted a place on the BBC Sunday morning programme, The Big Questions. The programme typically consists of a debate-like forum in which the host, panelists, and audience discuss sociopolitical issues that have caught the attention of the British public within recent weeks. The host, Nicky Campbell, typically introduces two questions which the selected panel and audience will address throughout the course of the show. Today’s topics included ‘Is Britain still racist?’ and ‘Is further education fit for purpose?’

Despite the two being of great importance to me this piece will focus on the former, although some of the points I will make simultaneously shed light on the latter.

The debate began with author, barrister, and human rights activist, Afua Hirsch, through highlighting the thesis of her newly released book Brit(ish): On Race, Identity and Belonging. It is interesting to note that Hirsch begins her preamble by acknowledging from the outset that her experience is unique from the typical black person in Britain. Hirsch claims that her coming from a middle-class background, receiving private education, and having a successful career as a journalist, has in many ways prevented her from experiencing racism. The author claimed ‘I’m not a victim, I have had so many opportunities’. Hirsch then went on to list the numerous ways in which institutional racism pervades British society and finally concluded her preamble with ‘I have seen unfairness against people of colour everywhere,’ and expressed her need to use her platform to fight racial injustice.

The lady’s comments were then greeted with laughs, shaking of the head, and claims of France’s abhorrent and racist nature. Despite personally finding the lady’s comments hurtful and destructive not only to her own well-being but to other ‘people of colour’, I was, first and foremost, disappointed with the panelists’ response to her, owing to the fact that they claimed to understand how racism works. Whilst of course it is important to understand that racism is indeed institutional, racism also affects the psyche of every individual (both the oppressor and the oppressed). The panellists’ inability to at this time acknowledge and seek to educate their ‘sister’ was very disheartening and disappointing.

From my understanding, it appears that her ‘sense of relief’ came as a result of her experiences, understanding, navigation and negotiation as a black woman within such societies that made her feel as though her skin colour was a disability at worst and a crutch at best. It appeared she felt as though her black skin was a curse she struggled to bare. I found this particularly sad because, due to her age, she would be deemed in the black community as an elder. Someone’s whose life choices and experiences could act as a source of knowledge for the younger generations to draw wisdom and perhaps affirmation from. However, what was most disconcerting was that all she could take from this life so far is that the refusal to acknowledge, accept, understand, or even tolerate an important essence of her being was experienced as liberating. What message does this send to our younger generation? Especially young black women.

Photograph taken by S

I found the exchange between both men to be ironic as they were unable to see that they were effectively two sides of the same coin. Andrews sought to emphasise realisation and resistance to racism whereas Sewell focused on overcoming and liberation from racism, all of which are essential for the survival of ethnic minorities in Britain. Both men’s arguments in my opinion complimented and gave life to each other.

How can one be liberated if they are unaware of the restrictions and the extent to which their oppression occupies their space?

What is the use and sense in comprehending one’s oppression and not having the tools and aspiration to liberate oneself?

Despite the irony and interplay, both men sought to mock and diminish each other’s viewpoint, unable (or unwilling) to find a common ground in the understanding that they are ultimately working toward the same goal.

From a personal perspective, I am under no illusion that my experience within Britain will be heavily influenced by me being a Black woman. Acknowledging and accepting that is crucial for my own understanding and growth. This is not to say that I can never achieve my dreams. On the contrary, this is to say I must not be fooled, or naïve enough to fall into a false sense of security, that my gender or ethnicity will not act as an obstacle. The key thing is to acknowledge and understand this reality and act accordingly, not to internalise it.

Due to their inability to share ideas and exchange in critical dialogue, a crucial point Sewell raised was immediately disregarded. Sewell spoke about subcultures affecting the Black community and Black families, implying their wider reaching repercussions, such as educational attainment. Although it could be argued that race and subculture do intertwine and are not necessarily separate entities, especially with regards to Black educational underachievement and incarceration rates, Andrews refuted any  merit in Sewell’s argument and dismissed it as nothing more than ‘right wing ideology’. ‘The problem isn’t the family, it’s the schools and the Universities’, Andrews responded.

… racism does not simply dwell within the public but penetrates and pervades the private sphere as well

What Sewell and Andrews both failed to comprehend is that it is actually a combination of both. Despite both suggesting they have a sophisticated grasp of racism, the two failed to realise that although racism is indeed structural it has devastating effects on the individual and, as a result, racism does not simply dwell within the public but penetrates and pervades the private sphere as well. Single parent households, educational underachievement, incarceration rates, Black Inferiority Complex, and more: these fragment the Black Community, overlapping and interchanging constantly. Yes, the education system like many other British institutions creates and perpetuates racism, but to say that the private sphere (the home) plays no role is simply not true. Single parent households with low income, young Black boys who lack paternal role models, and the negative influence of gang culture are also factors which we cannot ignore.

Photograph by Marcus Spiske

Britain is unquestionably still a racist society, both in its nature and in its conduct. Perhaps shedding light on and exploring Britain’s international affairs–in the Middle East and Africa in particular–would have given greater context and wider depth to Britain’s domestic affairs. This would have also made the discussion more fruitful and the answer to the question more apparent. I also despair at the panelists undermining each other, and think personal perceptions–narratives and anecdotes–of course have a lot to do with one’s understanding of the question. Despite both sides failing to reach an understanding they all want the best for the BAME community.

It was also interesting to note the generational divide. The older generation looking back retrospectively was adamant that progression had been made and the younger generation of panelists who are currently living in the midst of it feel as though not much has changed. I think that multi-generational dialogue is something that must be explored. Of course Nicky Campbell would not be the person to chair that discussion and ‘The Big Questions’ would not be the forum to hold that discussion. It is most definitely an in-house conversation that must be had.

The older generation appeared to have forgotten the words of their parents that when they arrived in Britain they should take advantage of the ‘good opportunities and education’ which was seen as superior to that back home. Regardless of whether or not this was indeed true, their parents were not fully aware of the gross injustice, racism and hardship they faced within the spaces such as the classroom. Their parents were not there. It seems as though the older generation have forgotten this in many respects.

Overall, yes, there has been many steps towards progress made since 1948 but in many ways little has changed. Britain’s racism has become more subtle, despite occasional overt outbursts (consider the rhetoric surrounding Brexit).

What was most evident from the debate and indeed my own observations is that there is still much confusion surrounding what racism truly is. As a result of this, calling someone a racist can provoke more outrage than overt or covert racism itself. In this climate, to not outwardly hate or possess prejudice is seen as equivalent to being anti-racist.

Until Britain’s–both its White and non-White–inhabitants truly seek to understand that racism is institutional and systematic, a product of slavery, colonialism and imperialism, and works alongside/intertwines with other forms of oppression such as sexism and classism, as well as understand they we are all in some way affected by it, Britain will forever remain racist.

Written by Alexandra Brown for Magical Women

(First published on ConversationsWith.net)